Revising with the Six Traits (Mitch)
I strongly agree with your idea Mitch. Ann must understand that her parents are frightened and only have time for important questions and ideas in a time like this. I think you need supporting detail in this sentence, because why exactly do older more experienced people like grownups tend to have difficulties concentrating. Apart from that you seemed to have stayed glued to the main theme. (Maybe you could give an example and clarify the second paragraph, because feelings aren’t entirely about what you want so people can get along and not fight. Great job, I really see what you mean when you say; “Anne if you don’t share your thoughts, than what is the whole point in having thoughts?” You never went off topic. The intro could be a little more encouraging maybe, “Everyone feels like you at one stage, it’s just a natural process,” then give an example of yourself, to make her feel less lonely, so she can relate to you. The conclusion was mysterious, (it is the fear hidden within you), I feel it lets Ann realize that, yes; you should be scared, there’s a war going on! I felt your voice had a humorous side to it, and at the same time a very understanding side. Perhaps you could try to change this sentence, because it sounds s little bit like your putting her down. “it doesn’t sound like you get that idea 100%” It’s a lot nicer than saying, “You don’t get anything” but you should let her know, through your voice, that she is not the only one that thinks that parents never listen…For word choice, you could change the word thought, to opinion, view or maybe belief. Also, instead of saying, “One other thing is that a reason…” you should change the word “a reason” to an explanation or motivation. Other than that, your word choice is very precise and efficient.
